Eye Declare

I was eating Pop-Tarts Tuesday morning when I had a panic attack. "What if I'm going blind?" I thought as I took a swig of milk. (Osteoporosis isn't welcome here).

The day before, I noticed that my computer screen and the newspaper looked blurry out of one eye. That night, I took out my contacts and it was the same way...So after I finished my Pop-Tarts the next day, I gave the eye doctor a call and made an appointment for Wednesday.

When the doctor came in, I said, "Hi, how are you?"

Doctor lady with a concerned look on her face: "I'm fine, how are YOU?"

Ok, the exam hasn't really even started yet, minus the air puff, and she already looks concerned; that can't be good. To spare all the details, she thought it was some kind of infection, so she sent me to another eye lady down the road. Not exactly my idea of a day off, but it IS my vision.

When I got there, a lady who looked like a mix of Farrah Fawcett and Victoria Osteen took my chart and pulled out a pen. "So when did the sudden vision loss occur?"

Wait a minute, vision loss? It's a little fuzzy; let's not jump to conclusions. I told her that sounded harsh, so she modified: "When did the sudden decrease in vision start?" I told her 2 days ago, then she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions I had already answered on the form, some which, I might add, have nothing to do with my eyesight. "Do any of your relatives have asthma?" "Do you suffer impotence?"

The second lady doctor finally came in and Amanda told me not to worry because she's Canadian. I told her I'd feel even better if she was Asian, but we both decided we'd never seen Asian eye doctors.

She looked concerned, too, so her team of experts proceeded to torture my poor eye for approximately two hours and 13 minutes. First they kept asking me what the eye chart said, knowing full and well that I couldn't read it, then tested my peripheral vision by asking me how many fingers they were holding off to the side.

After three rounds of "one, five, one, two, five," they told me to press my forehead and chin against the metal thing and stare at the little red light so they could basically blind me with photographs for 20 minutes.

Then the camera guy said, "Does the light bother you?" Only when you shine it in my pupil like that. Then they injected dye into my arm so they could see the blood vessels in my eye better or something. The guy told me that 5% of people become nautious and that if I was going to have an allergic reaction, it would happen within two minutes of being there. Then he asked if I was ready.

Sure, why not? It's only my day off and you already look red because of that silly little light. As if having crappy vision isn't bad enough. ... I was glad Amanda was there, though; she made me less nervous.

I ended up not having nausea or a seizure, but I was hungry and felt light-headed, so he asked me if I wanted some juice. I said yes and he brought me a strawberry Juicy Juice that expired last December. I told Amanda to put it in my purse so he would think I drank it.

When we left, Amanda and I met Zach at Applebee's. My eyes were still dilated, so everything was really bright. I asked the waiter if he could close the blinds. The food was good, though. I left my Juicy Juice on the table when we left.

...Today, I was back in the office to make sure my eye isn't any worse. Being Halloween, some of the staff members were dressed up and the guy in the camera room looked like Paul Bunyan. Then I think they forgot about me for awhile because I almost fell asleep in one of those chairs while they were looking at pictures of my eyeball in another room. Eventually, they released me and I didn't have to pay co-pay again.

So in the end, I'm not going blind, but I am supposed to use these drops 4 times a day in hopes that it will go away and have some blood tests done whenever I remember to call the doctor and schedule it.