Circle of Faith

Two weeks into my last semester, it's really hitting me how much I'll miss SES. Sure, I'll keep in touch with some friends, continue reading Christian books and find Bible studies to go to, but I'm not sure it'll be the same. I won't be in class every semester, challenging my faith two or more times a week, and I'm afraid of losing that built-in support system.

That's not something I get at work, in most of my relationships or in some of the churches I've been to. (Thankfully, I think my church now is the best one I've ever had.) Most of the friendships or work relationships I have with people are surface level: "How are you?" "Fine, and you?" "Yeah, I'm good." "Nice weather we're having." "Sure is."

Of course, there are moments, especially in a newsroom, where we'll get into deeper topics that actually have some meaning, but it's not the constant stimulation and rejuvenation that seminary has given me.

I just got back from class and I'm still on a mini emotional high if that can happen. I would be on a regular emotional high, but I'm tired. ... We had chapel tonight and I chatted with Alex (the school's president) for about 10 minutes afterwards. He's always meeting and talking with the big whigs of apologetics and Christian thinking, but he's so humble. It's refreshing, and I know I'm not always like that. (He's having dinner with Chuck Colson in New York in a few weeks and was almost apologetic about it, like he's not worthy.)

Anyway, it's absolutely amazing how God has used him and all the doors that have opened up for him. It's exciting to think I might have similar doors opened, but it also makes me impatient because sometimes I want them all right now. I want to travel and I want to write about religion and I want to use what I'm learning to reach as many people as possible.

I love my job and I know we should "bloom where we're planted," but I still get restless. I wonder if that's selfish -- if I'm trying to force my own wishes instead of listening to God's. ... Hm, I just remembered that I bought a book on the Alaska cruise called "How to Listen to God" by Charles Stanley. Maybe it's time to crack that baby open.

Tonight, Alex was saying that it doesn't matter how many people know our names, but how many people know Jesus' name. I keep telling myself I want to make a difference, but then two things pop into my head:

1. Do I want to make a difference so people can point to me and say, "Look how much she knows," or do I want to make a difference so people can say, "Look what God has done"?

and 2. Maybe I am making a difference -- the Christian girl writing for a secular newspaper, finding that religion comes up every week and taking an opportunity to discuss her own faith. Or the reporter who proved to you that there are decent reporters out there who do care about the people, not just the story.

I keep thinking of another quote I heard that says something like "some people are so anxious for a door to open that they fail to see the open window that's been there all along." I'm sure I botched that, but you get the idea.

I told Alex that I still want to be plugged in to the seminary post-graduation. It's fed me spiritually in a way I never knew existed and I don't want to lose that connection. I know part of the idea is to prepare us for "the outside world," but I still hope I can hold fast to that circle of faith.